Monthly Archives: February 2011

Knife and Death Situation

Has this ever happened to you: You have just injected cocaine directly into your bloodstream, when you realize that you may have inadvertently injected an air bubble as well?  We all know that injecting a little air can lead to a painful death. And, to make matters worse, the nearest hospital is miles away!  Well, who hasn’t been there, right?  Unfortunately, current government regulations do not require that your neighborhood coke dealer provide any safety instructions with your purchase, and if they did, you probably threw them out by now.  So, what is a hard-working coke-head supposed to do in this scenario?

Jam? Or something else???...

Well, we could all take a lesson in drug safety from Michael Lasiter from Modesto, California.  In the summer of 2008, Mr. Lasiter was faced with your usual air bubble/coke dilemma.  So he did what any well-trained “cocaine cowboy” would do, and made a run for the nearest Denny’s restaurant, where he knew their Grand Slams would be accompanied by an ample supply of butter knives.  Once in the restaurant, Mr. Lasiter “borrowed” a butter knife from an understanding customer’s table and began going to town on his arm.  Clearly Mr. Lasiter was willing to give his right arm to get out of this situation, but he did not anticipate the quality of Denny’s silverware to be so poor.  No matter how hard he tried, his arm just seemed to stay put!

As with any good Boy Scout, Mr. Lasiter was prepared with a ‘Plan B’.  He strolled into the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife, and started hacking away.  It was around this time that the Modesto police arrived.  Shockingly, the police ordered Mr. Lasiter to stop, showing absolutely no regard for his drug-safety training! After their final attempt to ‘butter him up’ didn’t work, they brought him down with a stun-gun.

You should be happy to know that Mr. Lasiter did not end up losing his arm.  What he thought was a close-encounter with the Grim Reaper was simply a mild case of overreaction.  All knives used in this story were washed and put back to good use!  All customers present during the incident were treated to a complimentary bowl of Denny’s tomato soup!  And better yet, Mr. Lasiter has served as an example to all of us.  So the next time you, or one of your friends, are in a similar crisis, think back to Mr. Lasiter’s experience.  If you stay calm, know your surroundings and have a Denny’s nearby, you too could avoid a cocaine-fueled death by simply cutting off your own arm!

By: J-Lloyd

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Filed under Ridiculous, Written by J-Lloyd

Contrary to Pope-ular Belief…

Pope John Paul II is surprisingly one of the most interesting people we could write a piece on.

– Before his ordination as a priest, he was a university professor, a stonecutter, a member of an experimental theater group, a published poet, and a chemical company worker. He also played soccer as a goalie, took daring swims in flooded rivers, and enjoyed skiing, mountain climbing and kayaking. Proving that you ‘Vati-CAN’ do anything, if you put your mind to it!

– He became the Pope in 1978 (the year of the 3 popes). When Pope Paul VI died on Aug 6, 1978, John Paul I had been elected but had only been in office for 33 days when his untimely death occurred. Then John Paul II was elected and he selected his name to honor John Paul I, whose papacy was short. You can bet that it was definitely a year of ‘Mass confusion‘!

– During a 1981 public appearance in Rome, a gunman fired at and hit John Paul II with 4 bullets. The gunman was later caught when officials realized he had a lot of ‘holys’ in his story.

– It was this first assassination attempt that led the Pope to ride around in a car with very high bullet-proof glass windows- the Popemobile.

– After surviving his gun wound operations, the Pope had one of the gunman’s bullets set into a jeweled crown and donated it to ‘Our Lady Fatima’ in Portugal, who he believed had spared him.

– In 1983, Marvel Comics published a Pope biography comic book. John Paul II was so humble about it and wanted ‘Nun’ of the profits.

– John Paul II has visited 129 countries, which is more than the combined total of countries visited by all 263 popes before him.  Guess he liked ‘Rome’-ing the world! When visiting New York, he liked staying at  the ‘Waldorf Pastor-ia’.

– Pope John Paul II released several albums, including Abbà Pater and The Rosary, which enabled him to go on tour with the ‘Red Hot Chili Popers’. He has also written a book about the assassination attempt on his life, which is what the movie ‘Pope Fiction’ was based on.

– Researchers have uncovered 21 and possibly 22 attempts on the life of Pope John Paul II between 1978 and 1989.

– In 2000, he was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter. Or should we say, Harlem ‘Pope-trotter’? While the Pope had many great moves on the court, he was best known for his efforts in ‘A-Sistine’.

By: NonShellant

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From Paris with “True” Love

Ah Paris, the “city of love”. Just mentioning Paris or its iconic Eiffel Tower triggers romantic feelings for most people, whether they’ve visited the city or not. But for one woman, those romantic feelings are very, very real.

Erika's "wedding" day

You see…Erika, a 39-year-old woman from San Francisco, has such intense feelings for the Eiffel Tower that she has proclaimed her love for it. “If you love it so much, then why don’t you marry it?” (Said in a high-pitched voice of mockery, just like the kids would say it on a 3rd grade playground.) Well, Erika has done just that. In 2007, she held a ceremony in Paris with her friends and relatives, “married” the Eiffel Tower, and legally changed her name to Erika La Tour Eiffel to reflect their commitment to one another.

While I do realize that the Eiffel Tower is purely made of iron, this truly gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘rock-solid relationship’. Is Erika La Tour Eiffel living proof of a new type of sexual orientation? Or is she just (as the French would say) ‘le cuckoo’? While I am in favor of the latter, it doesn’t change the fact that these people (who call themselves Objectum Sexuals) are as equally fucked up in the head as they are fascinating.

Take Erika for instance, who has led an extraordinary life. While her best friend was dating a new beau, she was off fantasizing about a ‘bow’… as in an archery bow named Lance. This infatuation led her to become a world champion archer, where she won a $250,000 scholarship to the U.S. Air Force Academy (a school she’d chosen so that she could pursue an F-15 Fighter Jet). When asked about her crush on the jet, she replied “I’d like to get to know this jet. Kind of like a guy goes to a bar and he sees a really nice-looking girl and he, he wants to go sit next to her, buy her a drink and get to know her more. Well, I kind of felt that way about the F-15.” Now I’m not sure as to why the relationship with the F-15 didn’t work out, but my guess would be that he was too ‘plane’ for her. Even though her main squeeze was gone, Erika decided to continue her officer training. A short time later, someone at the Academy attempted to sexually assault her, but she was able to defend herself with a Japanese training sword. The assailant was kicked out of the Academy, and Erika was later given a medical discharge due to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) for her “unwillingness to give up sleeping with the sword that protected her.” Hey, if she’s going to be sleeping around with a lot of objects, I’m at least glad she’s using some ‘protection’!

Yuck!

Speaking of having a sexual relationship with a Japanese sword (an intro I never thought I’d say in my 30 years of existence), Erika has also admitted to having a sexual relationship with a piece of fence that she kept in her bedroom. Which knowing this, has done nothing but caused me permanent damage, and etched a really disturbing visual into my brain that will be triggered every time I hear someone say that they’re “on the fence” about something. But Erika isn’t the only one who finds relationships with inanimate objects to be fulfilling.

In fact, there are over 40 people in the world who have declared themselves as Objectum Sexuals, and they have relationships with everything ranging from a waffle iron to an amusement park ride. The term Obejectum Sexuals, was first used by Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, who as you may have guessed by the name, has been “married” to the Berlin Wall for over 30 years now. I have to make mention of her, because I feel her words really bring light to just how delusional these people are. When asked about her husband she once stated, “we have been together now for many years, spiritually if not physically. Like every married couple, we have our ups and downs. We even made it through the terrible disaster of November 9, 1989, when my husband was subjected to frenzied attacks by a mob. But we are still as much in love as the day we met.”

Now I don’t know about you, but I imagine that a relationship with the Berlin Wall or the Eiffel Tower just isn’t going to work- for reasons other than the fact that it’s a long distance relationship. And while Erika may feel that stalking the Eiffel Tower by watching its live webcam everyday to be fulfilling (yes, she really does this), I’d like to un-sugar coat things for her and tell her that she needs to get some serious help or the only object she’s going to have a life-long relationship with, is a vibrator.

Looks like the Tower hasn’t been honoring its vows!

By: NonShellant

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Filed under Ridiculous, Written by NonShellant