Ah Paris, the “city of love”. Just mentioning Paris or its iconic Eiffel Tower triggers romantic feelings for most people, whether they’ve visited the city or not. But for one woman, those romantic feelings are very, very real.
You see…Erika, a 39-year-old woman from San Francisco, has such intense feelings for the Eiffel Tower that she has proclaimed her love for it. “If you love it so much, then why don’t you marry it?” (Said in a high-pitched voice of mockery, just like the kids would say it on a 3rd grade playground.) Well, Erika has done just that. In 2007, she held a ceremony in Paris with her friends and relatives, “married” the Eiffel Tower, and legally changed her name to Erika La Tour Eiffel to reflect their commitment to one another.
While I do realize that the Eiffel Tower is purely made of iron, this truly gives a whole new meaning to the term ‘rock-solid relationship’. Is Erika La Tour Eiffel living proof of a new type of sexual orientation? Or is she just (as the French would say) ‘le cuckoo’? While I am in favor of the latter, it doesn’t change the fact that these people (who call themselves Objectum Sexuals) are as equally fucked up in the head as they are fascinating.
Take Erika for instance, who has led an extraordinary life. While her best friend was dating a new beau, she was off fantasizing about a ‘bow’… as in an archery bow named Lance. This infatuation led her to become a world champion archer, where she won a $250,000 scholarship to the U.S. Air Force Academy (a school she’d chosen so that she could pursue an F-15 Fighter Jet). When asked about her crush on the jet, she replied “I’d like to get to know this jet. Kind of like a guy goes to a bar and he sees a really nice-looking girl and he, he wants to go sit next to her, buy her a drink and get to know her more. Well, I kind of felt that way about the F-15.” Now I’m not sure as to why the relationship with the F-15 didn’t work out, but my guess would be that he was too ‘plane’ for her. Even though her main squeeze was gone, Erika decided to continue her officer training. A short time later, someone at the Academy attempted to sexually assault her, but she was able to defend herself with a Japanese training sword. The assailant was kicked out of the Academy, and Erika was later given a medical discharge due to PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) for her “unwillingness to give up sleeping with the sword that protected her.” Hey, if she’s going to be sleeping around with a lot of objects, I’m at least glad she’s using some ‘protection’!
Speaking of having a sexual relationship with a Japanese sword (an intro I never thought I’d say in my 30 years of existence), Erika has also admitted to having a sexual relationship with a piece of fence that she kept in her bedroom. Which knowing this, has done nothing but caused me permanent damage, and etched a really disturbing visual into my brain that will be triggered every time I hear someone say that they’re “on the fence” about something. But Erika isn’t the only one who finds relationships with inanimate objects to be fulfilling.
In fact, there are over 40 people in the world who have declared themselves as Objectum Sexuals, and they have relationships with everything ranging from a waffle iron to an amusement park ride. The term Obejectum Sexuals, was first used by Eija-Riitta Berliner-Mauer, who as you may have guessed by the name, has been “married” to the Berlin Wall for over 30 years now. I have to make mention of her, because I feel her words really bring light to just how delusional these people are. When asked about her husband she once stated, “we have been together now for many years, spiritually if not physically. Like every married couple, we have our ups and downs. We even made it through the terrible disaster of November 9, 1989, when my husband was subjected to frenzied attacks by a mob. But we are still as much in love as the day we met.”
Now I don’t know about you, but I imagine that a relationship with the Berlin Wall or the Eiffel Tower just isn’t going to work- for reasons other than the fact that it’s a long distance relationship. And while Erika may feel that stalking the Eiffel Tower by watching its live webcam everyday to be fulfilling (yes, she really does this), I’d like to un-sugar coat things for her and tell her that she needs to get some serious help or the only object she’s going to have a life-long relationship with, is a vibrator.