Tag Archives: Lasiter

Knife and Death Situation

Has this ever happened to you: You have just injected cocaine directly into your bloodstream, when you realize that you may have inadvertently injected an air bubble as well?  We all know that injecting a little air can lead to a painful death. And, to make matters worse, the nearest hospital is miles away!  Well, who hasn’t been there, right?  Unfortunately, current government regulations do not require that your neighborhood coke dealer provide any safety instructions with your purchase, and if they did, you probably threw them out by now.  So, what is a hard-working coke-head supposed to do in this scenario?

Jam? Or something else???...

Well, we could all take a lesson in drug safety from Michael Lasiter from Modesto, California.  In the summer of 2008, Mr. Lasiter was faced with your usual air bubble/coke dilemma.  So he did what any well-trained “cocaine cowboy” would do, and made a run for the nearest Denny’s restaurant, where he knew their Grand Slams would be accompanied by an ample supply of butter knives.  Once in the restaurant, Mr. Lasiter “borrowed” a butter knife from an understanding customer’s table and began going to town on his arm.  Clearly Mr. Lasiter was willing to give his right arm to get out of this situation, but he did not anticipate the quality of Denny’s silverware to be so poor.  No matter how hard he tried, his arm just seemed to stay put!

As with any good Boy Scout, Mr. Lasiter was prepared with a ‘Plan B’.  He strolled into the kitchen, grabbed a butcher knife, and started hacking away.  It was around this time that the Modesto police arrived.  Shockingly, the police ordered Mr. Lasiter to stop, showing absolutely no regard for his drug-safety training! After their final attempt to ‘butter him up’ didn’t work, they brought him down with a stun-gun.

You should be happy to know that Mr. Lasiter did not end up losing his arm.  What he thought was a close-encounter with the Grim Reaper was simply a mild case of overreaction.  All knives used in this story were washed and put back to good use!  All customers present during the incident were treated to a complimentary bowl of Denny’s tomato soup!  And better yet, Mr. Lasiter has served as an example to all of us.  So the next time you, or one of your friends, are in a similar crisis, think back to Mr. Lasiter’s experience.  If you stay calm, know your surroundings and have a Denny’s nearby, you too could avoid a cocaine-fueled death by simply cutting off your own arm!

By: J-Lloyd

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Filed under Ridiculous, Written by J-Lloyd